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A little about me

This is the post excerpt.

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I have never had a blog. Honestly I’m trying to get my writing out there and become an author. I’m not sure what to write here but I’m excited to learn more about blogging!

What losing my first child did to me. 

Five years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). They told me it would be extremely difficult for me to have children.. So.. Even though that desire to be a mother always sat in the back of my mind, I moved on. Early June I became pregnant. I was in shock. I was scared. What was I going to do? I do have a fiancee (the babies father) but at first he was in denial. Silly guys. 

Anyways, a lot to over a week later, he can around and realized he too, loved our child. My baby. I was having a baby! But… I knew something was wrong. I was more detached than I should have been. (Yes, I love my child more than I had lived anything. Ever.) I had an ultrasound and they told me they couldn’t hear a heartbeat that I could just be to early. (I was 7 weeks.) Man I was sick. I puked all day every day. Smells destroyed me. It was really happening. 

July 22nd at 5:37 in the morning I woke up to extreme pain. Followed by something coming out and blood. So so much blood. I lost myself that day. My fiancee (Josh) helped take me to the house (we live in a cute little camper) and I almost passed out from the blood loss. 

Sure enough, our baby (Acelynn Faith Hartman) had left us. I was 8 weeks. It crushed us. But we stood together instead of breaking apart from grief. 

I was mad at God. I was hurt and I felt betrayed. However I stayed curled in God’s lap. He was my freedom. Noone talks about Acelynn anymore. It’s like everyone wants to forget she/he every existed!!! I still remember. I have never been screamish around blood until now. Seeing so much blood. I bled for 10 days straight. Didn’t have to have a D&C. Thank God. 

How does someone forget about such a precious thing?

Josh doesn’t talk about Acelynn either. But I know he loved her. I WAS able to get pregnant. I am a mother. To a child God needed more. The way I look at it is, this world is awful. So much hate and destruction. My child was saved and now will be pure and innocent for eternity!!!!! 

Pure and innocent for eternity!!!

Still. Don’t let anyone tell you, your unborn angel is any less real than a child who made it to life!!!! 

A Writer’s Tale 

What people don’t realize is that writers have more in common with their writing than we do the real world.. When we write, we are able to say and do things that in real life, make us uncomfortable or vulnerable.. When you read someone’s work, you aren’t just reading a story or poem, you are looking into the very soul of another person.     
××××Kendra××××

My life

Last night I said goodbye to my biological family. You may ask me why and the answer will never be simple. My entire life they have been unhealthy. My younger brother admitted last night that him and our mother, are doing harsh drugs together. 

They’ve always lied to me. Trying to turn me against each other. I feel guilty like I’m the one in the wrong. I have tried for 7 years to pick her up. To be someone they need. So why am I feeling like I’m the one in the wrong? Any ways. I created this blog to advertise my writing and here I am rambling on. I’m sorry…. I don’t know anymore. 

Without my unhealthy family. I feel completely alone. And that’s not the case. I have a fiancee. He cuddled with me for a few minutes while I cried. And that was great. He isn’t much on showing affection. 

So why do I feel so guilty?